2022 was not one of my finest years.
I finished 2022 in bed, well before midnight, processing the news of a significant injury to a family member. Beyond the obvious concern and worry for their health, it also has postponed an overseas trip that for our family had been the reward for getting through the last two years.
In some ways it seemed a fitting end for 2022, at least as a reflection of my attitude and personal development.
While 2022 did not see any further lockdowns or cases of remote learning, I was undoubtedly still recovering mentally and emotionally from what 2020-2021 had brought. My tolerance for student misbehaviour was diminished, my patience for the demands of parents wore thin, and my frustration at the imperfections of people around me was unfair and often lacking in grace. While I wasn't 'bad' at my job, I definitely was not performing at the standards I expect of myself.
This was perhaps worst demonstrated in my lack of faith or belief in the capacity of my students to achieve well in their HSC Exams. While many students achieved as I expected, a remarkable number of young men proved me wrong and received excellent results that they will be immensely proud of. My disappointment comes from the fact that I know I didn't do everything I could have to position them to achieve their best.
As I sit here and start to reflect on what 'went wrong' this year, I think it stems from a certain degree of mental fatigue, both personally and professionally.
On the home front, we've had to deal with a major organ transplant to a family member, a significant court case with incredible ramifications if the accused is found guilty, surgery for my 3yo son, and the stresses of family life where one parent teaches full time and the other runs their own business.
Professionally, I have mentioned that we are still recovering from the effects of COVID on the education system. I am still trying to rekindle my joy for teaching, as I nearly left the profession as a result of remote learning. We are also in a difficult situation as a school, juggling financial pressures, enrolment requirements, and trying to fundamentally shift the nature and quality of teaching and learning at our school. Each of these are major challenges, let alone facing them all at the same time.
As these pressures built up I found myself increasingly seeking distraction and following unhealthy habits.
This would often take the form of watching YouTube videos and scrolling social media. I threw myself into the fascinating world of Dungeons & Dragons, enjoying the escapism and adventure that it brings, even more so as the Dungeon Master. I began playing indoor cricket and continued my rugby podcast, worthy pursuits but ones that impacted on my already poor sleeping habits. I was consistently exhausted, didn't exercise, ate poorly and put on weight. My mental health spiraled and for the first time in some years I began to have anxiety symptoms, reminiscent of the worst periods of that journey.
Rethinking Me
I know the things I should be doing. I'm self-aware enough to understand the healthy and right choices. I simply lack the motivation, drive, or self-discipline to say 'no' to these poor choices and: go to bed at the right time; read books instead of scrolling; stretch daily; exercise regularly; or set boundaries for my hobbies.
There are three important questions that I'm going to respond to now, as an activity of looking forward, rethinking who I am and who I want to be.
What do I want to leave behind in 2022?
I've started well. I went for a jog/trot today, and didn't come home when I was feeling tired but went to the oval to do some laps.
We'll see how tomorrow goes, one day at a time.
I finished 2022 in bed, well before midnight, processing the news of a significant injury to a family member. Beyond the obvious concern and worry for their health, it also has postponed an overseas trip that for our family had been the reward for getting through the last two years.
In some ways it seemed a fitting end for 2022, at least as a reflection of my attitude and personal development.
While 2022 did not see any further lockdowns or cases of remote learning, I was undoubtedly still recovering mentally and emotionally from what 2020-2021 had brought. My tolerance for student misbehaviour was diminished, my patience for the demands of parents wore thin, and my frustration at the imperfections of people around me was unfair and often lacking in grace. While I wasn't 'bad' at my job, I definitely was not performing at the standards I expect of myself.
This was perhaps worst demonstrated in my lack of faith or belief in the capacity of my students to achieve well in their HSC Exams. While many students achieved as I expected, a remarkable number of young men proved me wrong and received excellent results that they will be immensely proud of. My disappointment comes from the fact that I know I didn't do everything I could have to position them to achieve their best.
As I sit here and start to reflect on what 'went wrong' this year, I think it stems from a certain degree of mental fatigue, both personally and professionally.
On the home front, we've had to deal with a major organ transplant to a family member, a significant court case with incredible ramifications if the accused is found guilty, surgery for my 3yo son, and the stresses of family life where one parent teaches full time and the other runs their own business.
Professionally, I have mentioned that we are still recovering from the effects of COVID on the education system. I am still trying to rekindle my joy for teaching, as I nearly left the profession as a result of remote learning. We are also in a difficult situation as a school, juggling financial pressures, enrolment requirements, and trying to fundamentally shift the nature and quality of teaching and learning at our school. Each of these are major challenges, let alone facing them all at the same time.
As these pressures built up I found myself increasingly seeking distraction and following unhealthy habits.
This would often take the form of watching YouTube videos and scrolling social media. I threw myself into the fascinating world of Dungeons & Dragons, enjoying the escapism and adventure that it brings, even more so as the Dungeon Master. I began playing indoor cricket and continued my rugby podcast, worthy pursuits but ones that impacted on my already poor sleeping habits. I was consistently exhausted, didn't exercise, ate poorly and put on weight. My mental health spiraled and for the first time in some years I began to have anxiety symptoms, reminiscent of the worst periods of that journey.
Rethinking Me
I know the things I should be doing. I'm self-aware enough to understand the healthy and right choices. I simply lack the motivation, drive, or self-discipline to say 'no' to these poor choices and: go to bed at the right time; read books instead of scrolling; stretch daily; exercise regularly; or set boundaries for my hobbies.
There are three important questions that I'm going to respond to now, as an activity of looking forward, rethinking who I am and who I want to be.
What do I want to leave behind in 2022?
- I want to leave behind apathy and disinterest. I want to hope again, to seek and see the best in young people and call that into their daily lives. I want to leave behind the laziness that has been a characteristic this year.
- I want to lay the foundations for an effective whole school literacy program in 2023, in Secondary. I want to understand the details of implementation in Primary, and ensure that we are effective at preparing teachers to develop and implement literacy skills within their subjects, particularly as we move towards a new syllabus in many subjects for 2024.
- I want to help the Class of 2023 achieve all that they can, especially focusing on the students who may feel 'left behind' as they are not one of the more academically excelling students in the grade.
- I want to regain the mental discipline that I had when I was younger, particularly around exercise and diet.
- I want to be a better father in the way that I support the personal and emotional growth of my sons, while improving as a husband by sharing the mental load far more than I have.
I've started well. I went for a jog/trot today, and didn't come home when I was feeling tired but went to the oval to do some laps.
We'll see how tomorrow goes, one day at a time.